Good morning, everyone. I want to start by thanking all of you who have left such lovely and supportive comments regarding my dad's death and the sad story of our relationship. Each of your comments has been loving and nonjudgmental, and so I thank you. Some of you have had similarly painful experiences with a loved one, and so you understand that it is difficult to be vulnerable when sharing that kind of information. And so I thank you, my friends. Honestly, I'm doing fine and moving on in ways that are already surprising me. Just yesterday I was communicating with my cousin via text when I had something of an epiphany. I'm going to try to tell you about it in as few words as possible, because honestly, there's no point in hashing over a process that unfolded over decades.
Cutting ties with a parent is not easy. Nevertheless, my relationship with my dad reached a point of toxicity that required it for my own well-being. The people who loved me most encouraged me, and we developed "safety strategies" so that I could seek support from one of them when my resolve wavered. That kind of resolve means keeping the pain present...not forgetting...being vigilant...so that love doesn't overwhelm wisdom and truth. (Sometimes love lies to us.) But as I was communicating with my cousin, I realized that my father's death will set me free from the need to be vigilant. I can remember the parts I loved most about him without continuing to keep present the parts that caused me great pain. With his death, I can let down my guard and remember the loving parts of him. The painful past can be laid to rest. This can only be a good thing.
That's all I want to say about that for now. I hope it makes sense. Now I'd like to bring myself (and you) back to the present, which is always the best place to be. We have arrived at one of our favorite places on the planet...Death Valley National Park. I'm not sure if it's the name or the heat, but I'm often surprised at how few people have visited this place. For us, it is something of a spiritual retreat. This is true of all national parks. They never fail to humble and inspire us with their awesome beauty. Death Valley is so vast and diverse that we never lack for some new venue to explore.
For this morning I have only a weak cell signal to work with, and I'm unable to upload any pictures. So I'll keep this post short and hope I have better luck across the park at the Furnace Creek Campground. We spent one night here at Stovepipe Wells because there are hookups available. We did laundry and some other electricity-hungry things, and we'll move along this morning. If memory serves, the signal is stronger over there, and I might be able to get back to you a little later with the story of yesterday's drive.
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9 comments:
I look forward to hearing more about your visit to Stovepipe. Mentally, I'm thinking you've been there before, but I've never been. Either way, I do enjoy your photos and stories. As far as your father, I too had a very similar experience and ultimate decision. I think many of us have. As they say, you can choose your friends, but not your family. Fortunately, it is up to everyone to decide if they want to spend time (emotions) with what turns out to be a toxic relationship. I chose happiness and good mental health over such relationships. The hope & dreams are lost when they pass, but ultimately I'm still happy with what I decided. It worked for me (and sounds like it worked for you). Still, if you hold anything in your heart and memories I'm glad you had "some" good times.
I appreciate your candor about your relationship with your father. It will likely help others and it helps us all to know you better. Good for you for knowing and doing what was best for your own well being.
As to Death Valley, I had never really had a desire to visit, but when we got our ‘Geezer’ pass and entrance was free, I figured “ what the heck”, so when RVing in the area a few years back, we went. So glad we did! What an amazing,diverse place. We really enjoyed it, and went back again. Still more to see; it is an immense park. I look forward to seeing it again through your camera lens.
Sounds like you are in the perfect place to deal with emotions and find peace with the past. Your story has helped me deal with guilt about a situation that I have struggled with. I too, have experience with a family member that I had to cut ties with. Not a parent, but my husband's brother. I won't share details here, but will say that he was jealous of his brother's life and seemed to want to destroy it. I didn't visit his parents house for a long time because one never knew when he might pop in unannounced. I did not grieve his untimely death as it was somewhat of a relief to not be constantly on guard. My grief was for his mother because, no matter what happens, a parent loves their child.
Thank you for sharing and know that all of us Quilty friends wish only happiness for you. What’s past is past. The future is what we make of it. I for one have resolved not to dwell on what shoulda woulda coulda been. My DH and kids and friends means so much more than my past. We’ve become strong women in spite of what happened to us. As for Death Valley., can’t wait to see more pics !! Our country truly has some beautiful scenery!!!
You are a strong woman to have dealt with your father-daughter relationship. Not all of us are blessed with good parents as I was. I appreciate your thoughts on the situation and know you will be moving forward!
I read your Requiem post yesterday and thought about you off and on while we ran errands. I felt for you more than I had words to say to you, so I decided not to comment.
Your words today are pretty amazing and yes, they make a lot of sense. I'm glad you had these realizations and am selfishly glad you shared them with us, because they are helpful to me. Although I've not had that particular kind of relationship with anyone, I have had relationships that caused me and continue to cause me pain, and your outlook gives me a new perspective on them.
It takes a strong and brave woman to remove a toxic element from her life. You did what you needed to do for yourself and your family, and I applaud you. Moving forward will be lighter as you can put that burden behind you. Be well, be happy.
I hear the pain that is echoed in my family. A different set of circumstances but equally toxic. Fortunately when I cut off communication the person did meet me part way eventually. It was the best they could do. It was at that moment I realized this wasn’t only about my relationship with them but their relationship with other major people in their lives. Boundaries had been set and mostly adhered to over the years. I did not learn the big lie and secret until 45 years later. So much pain that could have been drained except for pride and shame.
I’m glad you are finally free.
You always have to be true to yourself and take special care of yourself. It's good to be free of the need for vigilance, and to lay the pain to rest. Rejoice in the loving parts and let your spirit soar.
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