Scatus Report, 2016, Day One

Happy New Year! Smitty here with the furst scatus repurrt of the new year. 

If this is how I can expect 2016 to go, the news is not good, my furriends. Not good at all. There is some skullduggery going on here at the Three Cats Ranch, and I am not happy about it. Not one little bit. So here's the scoop. 

Furst of all...there's the interloper who moved in. My Mom and Dad are calling her Maggie. I'm just calling her "Raggy". 

She's this little street-walker ragamuffin, if you know what I mean. I heard she came from the streets and that she's been selling her body out there. I *even* heard that she has a litter somewhere. Just look at those eyes. She tries to hide it by dimming them, but you know a cat with eyes like that had to have come from the red light district. Hmph. 

My mom and dad have been keeping her hidden away. As if! Double Hmph. Like they can fool me...King of the House. That's right! King!!! But that's okay because I just took a look at the pictures on my mom's camera, and you will not believe the disgusting things they revealed. For instance, just take a look at this:

Toe jam! It's the worst case I've ever seen in all my years as a cat! 

And lookie here...even she's disgusted by her own disgusting filth. And let me just say that's MY carpet she's walking around on. We're going to have to have the place furmigated, I tell you.

And look at her there with her lasers turned on, trying to look all badass. Well, she'll soon learn that there's nobody who can muster more badassery than me, Smitty. Sheesh. The noyve.

But here's the worst part, and I had to drag my mom downstairs to talk this out. It seems to me that something is missing from my downstairs toybox.

See this here feather toy? Well. There is only one now, and I distinctly remembpurr having two of them up until you-know-who arrived on the scene.

So I took this up with my mom, and do you know what she said? She had the noyve to imply that I never even played with it! I know! I could hardly believe it myself.

And I said, "Lookie here! It's my favfurrite toy of all time! I play with it every single minute of every day. Okay, I'll give you that I don't play with it when I'm helping you sew, or when I'm chasing birds and mousies, or when I'm eating, or when I'm sleeping, but even then....I'm thinking about playing with it!"

Well, what could I do but haul this one off into the sewing room fur safe-keeping.

Although, my mom's sewing room is purretty much a disaster area right now.

See what I'm talking about? More disgusting filth. The disgusting filth abounds in 2016, and it's only the furst day. What is this world coming to?

And my mom tried making excuses about making sandwiches or something. I asked for toona, but did I get it? No! Nobody efur listens to me. No way and no how.

Not to worry, Feather Toy. Count on me, Smitty, to purrtect you from Raggy upstairs.

And my mom thinks she can hide all this skullduggery from me by keeping this door closed. What she doesn't realize is that right down there at cat-eye level, there's a little window I can purr through.

They put my food bowl outside the door...like I'm going to eat next to that mangy ragamuffin...Hmph. (I'm going to make "Hmph" my new word fur the year...just so you know.) Anyways...I looked through there and what did I see? Cat food! Like she's gonna stay fur dinner or something. Like there's hospurrtality coming her way or something. Like she might just move in!

And look what else!!! Just as I thought!

There she is with MY feather toy. And excuse me, but I do believe that's MY bed from the sewing room. It's true I never sleep there, but I might want to, and then what? Huh?

Well, when I saw that, I couldn't take it any more, and so I went up into my He Man Woman Hater's Clubhouse to cooled off.

But the insults continue, furriends and neighbors, because I just happen to know that they let Raggy out to explore MY house while I was in my clubhouse, and they think I don't know it. As if!

What's a guy to say about this insult, but Hmph!

I'll keep you posted. Fur now, it's me, Smitty, King of the House, signing off.

26 comments from clever and witty friends:

Lyndsey said...

Oh Smitty you poor hard done to kitty. Maybe your mom is hoping that you'll help protect and look after Maggie. She sure looks like she could do with a strong, knowledgeable, handsome purrfect cat like you to show her how to behave in your neck of the woods, so she doesn't put a paw wrong.

Barbara said...

"Strong, knowledgeable, handome, purrfect"...please do go on. Thank you for understanding. Smitty

evelyn said...

OK Smitty, listen, every King needs a Queen. Even if she is a commoner. Be the bigger feline, I know you can do it.

Barbara said...

Actually, I AM quite a bit bigger. You've really given me something to think about.

Betty said...

Poor Smitty, remember when you were the newbie in the house? No doubt you are the King, but Mom thought you needed a friend and she is kinda cute. Maybe you can teach her tricks and then there might be more treats! She could even help you keep Uno from intruding on your territory. Better to have her on your side than his!

Debbie said...

Lol.....such entertainment you are, Smitty. I remember when you arrived....and lok at you now. Maggie will want to play as soon as you let her.

Barbara said...

Did someone say play? Hmmmm, now that's an idea.

Barbara said...

Oh my...I furgot about Uno. What a cad. I wouldn't be surpurrised if he was the father of her litter. Purrish the thought of it.

Kate said...

Oh Smitty I'd be put out too if someone took on of my toys. But on the other side wouldn't it more fun to have another fur-person to play with than just Mom and Dad?

Barbara said...

It's true that my mom and dad are not good furpeople. My dad is a little better furperson than my mom, but my mom is handier with the can opener.

Vroomans' Quilts said...

Oh how I laughed!!! Now Mr fursnickidy, pursnickidy - you were once 'new' to the house - remember that and be a gentleman.

Crickets Corner said...

Sometimes I wonder how Smitty's mind works. I always known that he's a comedian but this post is just to funny. I know you don't believe it but one of these days you and Maggie will be sleeping in that cat bed side by side. I know you don't think so now but I can have Riley and Skylar attest to the fact that after it's all said and done you're going to be purrfect friends. Rina

QuiltShopGal said...

Great Scatus Report. Love every bit of it, but this time your fabric organization "drawers/cabinets" caught my attention. By chance are these the ones that are sometimes available at JoAnns? I've looking for a different storage cabinet and after seeing your photos, I think I'm going to pick these up (unless you advise against).


Frog Quilter said...

Lmao. Great post!!!

sunny said...

Oh Smitty! You're going to hurt Mom and Dad's feelings. They knew how much you missed Gracie, so they brought home Maggie just for you!! They didn't do it for themselves - purrish the thought. Maggie hasn't had the wonderful life you've had, and she's really looking for a kind thoughtful big brother to help her adjust.

gpc said...

You know what they say, Smitty: "even a cat can look at a king." :)

liniecat said...

LOL I remember this so well, the integration period can be fraught for all! She's a beautifully marked girl and am sure once she's settled, Smitty will come round and she will become an ally. Least his mins occupied with what's going on lol
Another great cat approved post. Good luck, how long do you keep your cats in for?
I always told folks to keep them in for as long as possible and in one if my owns case, it was months before I was confident he wouldn't turn rail and run away!
Glad you gave a home to another lost soul :)

Michele said...

Oh Smitty. I think in time you will become best friends. Just think of all the things that you can teach her....about quilt inspection, the awesome nip that she might never have tried before, about staying far, far away from those nasty woofies and the joys of traveling in style. Plus you have a large amount of area to patrol and keep safe from the likes of Uno and those blasted squirrels and you can use the help. Be the big brother that I know you can be Smitty.

Dana Gaffney said...

In just a bit of time you'll read this and you'll be needing to make some apologizes to your best friend. Really? a cat of the streets, those kittens have probably helped her to be a loving sweet lady, which will benefit you when she loves you.

Dana Gaffney said...

In just a bit of time you'll read this and you'll be needing to make some apologizes to your best friend. Really? a cat of the streets, those kittens have probably helped her to be a loving sweet lady, which will benefit you when she loves you.

Sherry said...

Oh Smitty, I know this invasion of your kingdom can be quite disturbing, but try to look ahead at all the fun possibilities of adventures and companionship that can be found in a relationship with Maggie. We know she can't replace Gracie in your heart but we all know you have a very big heart and will have room for Maggie if you give her a chance. Great things come from humble beginnings. Just observe how much your Mom and Dad love her and you will see her good qualities. And she might just appreciate your mice and bird offerings more than Mom. I know you want her to know what a great hunter you are.

Susan said...

Hey, Mr. Smitty, Remember was goes around comes around. Have your forgotten you were an interloper? Why not do the kingly thing and welcome a new subject to your kingdom. You might surprise yourself and actually like Maggie. Do it for Mom and Dad. Do it for Gracie.

Sally T said...

Molly (formerly Hurricane) would like to point out that this is the downside of "staying local" especially if this leaves you picking from the Portland hipster pool.

BillieBee (billiemick) said...

Ohhhhhhhhh poor Smitty.......love your tail.

quiltzyx said...

Smitty, did you notice that Raggy Maggie has an 'ear notch' similar to yours? I think that means that you're going to be great pals...eventually.

Brown Family said...

Smitty, it is hard being the new cat, too. SHe is probably scared of you and all the new smells and sounds. Give it time. We finally got use to Max after he joined out house. Well, almost. He and Angel still hate each other.

Angel and Kirby

Hay! Me, too! Max